Tales of the Incredible Hoke Robertson
Nobody has asked for my opinion for quite some time now, so I must correct that reprehensible oversight and offer my cogent and insightful views. One of the great tragedies of our time is the fact that very few people if any seek me out for my opinion. Someone with my exceptional abilities, knowledge and insights should be the subject of near constant attention and awe. Strangely, that is not happening and the only possible reason is that everyone else is worthless and stupid.
The first topic I wish to cover deals with some inappropriate criticism of me. Since I do everything correctly and am virtually never wrong, any criticism is of course unfounded. I spent 25 years of my life defending the American people but am now accused of despising those I was protecting. This criticism does not hold up under scrutiny. Since the only worthy people on earth are the ones who have been, or currently are members of the US Army Airborne or Ranger forces, it is appropriate to have disdain for those who have not so served. Therefore it is proper to despise the vast majority of Americans because they never served as Airborne or Rangers. This is so obvious I wonder how anyone could have missed the logic. Clearly my position is reinforced by the very fact that the general public has not been Airborne or Ranger qualified. Since they haven’t, they are worthless and I am correct to hate those who I was protecting. Ipso militia, ergo pompassiti.
While I am on the subject of my extraordinary service to my country, I want to bring up another, related topic. Most of you miscreants do not even realize that there are very few PX’s available for me to visit and patronize any more. “PX’s” are the general purpose “post exchanges” where military members can buy dry goods, groceries and other products and services at near cost. The military used to run these stores like a wholesaler, not seeking any real profit in order to provide military personnel (and especially their families) with low cost items.
Over the years, the PX system has been sharply cut and the number of PX’s is now very small. This means that I am no longer able to buy all my needed goods at discounted prices, rather I must now pay what every other American pays for those same goods. This is completely unfair. Because I was in the military (Airborne and Ranger qualified!) for 25 years, I am entitled to get discounted goods and services for the remaining 50 years of my life. I retired at 43 after doing numerous critical, ministerial jobs for the Army. I could have actually been in combat or have been hurt. Since that could have happened, I am entitled to get my full pay and all the benefits I had while on active duty for an additional 50 years. Why should I pay full price for toothpaste, anti-dandruff cream, or adult magazines when I served my country well into my forties? It is incredible that I am now discriminated against in this way.
Some of you worthless pukes argue that such a short work-life is in no way worth a full lifetime of benefits, but that is just crap. Since I was Airborne and Ranger qualified I am better than all of you and thus AM entitled to these never-ending taxpayer-funded benefits. Because I COULD have been injured while serving my country, you must subsidize every need of mine; forever. What is so hard to understand about that? Just because this results in the government being on the hook for full pay and benefits for 5-6 people for one job is totally irrelevant. Isn’t that why we invaded Granada?? It does not matter that I could simply find another career and support myself after I had ceased serving my country. Why would I ever serve my country if the monetary benefits weren’t life-long? Finding some other job after my service is very difficult to do and my military training did not prepare me for working any civilian job. Even so, do you have any idea how hard it is to try to avoid taxes on such a second income? I do sometimes actually work for a company that sends me overseas to take advantage of some government contracts for no real purpose and I have to pretend that income in not taxable here in the USA. Imagine that; me earning money and having to pay taxes on it after I was Airborne and Ranger qualified? I should be able to horde or spend all that second income without having to worry about retirement costs.
At one point after retiring at 32 after serving my country for 10 years while still getting full pay and benefits, I worked as a stockbroker. That was shear agony. I had to get up every day, put on my only pair of ill-fitting slacks and mis-tie one of my two ties before going to work and cold-calling people on the phone to ask them to give me their money so I could invest it in the very same manner as their then-current brokers were. Most of the ingrates hung up on me or turned me down, further evidencing their uselessness. I had to go into my supervisor’s office nearly every day to lecture him on leadership, management and organizational skills. It did no good; he seemed to think that performance was more important than the dogmatic processes I learned in the Army, especially in Airborne and Ranger schools. What a dolt.
To make things worse, I had difficulty with the female employees who pretended to look right past me, never talked to me and did not try to hit on me. Did you know that I found a naked picture of one of them on the internet? [It’s none of your business how I found the picture.] After I informed the rest of the office I had found the picture I was fired because they said I was a pervert and the picture was of someone else anyway! Me! Fired! As if searching for naked pictures of co-workers and distributing them during work hours was somehow inappropriate. Although my boss claimed the company could be sued because of my behavior, my vast knowledge of the law indicates he is just wrong. They all resented me because I knew much more than they did about small arms tactics and getting people to stand in a straight line; the latter being one of the most under-appreciated skills around.
Where was I? Oh yeah. Did you know that I offered myself as a columnist for the local newspapers and they turned me down? Yes, they turned me down. I could write daily columns on military, political and economic matters using my superior insight, knowledge and experience yet they said “no.” How could this possibly be? What part of “superior” do they not understand? I went to West Point and even graduated. I went to Airborne school. I went to Ranger school. I had seven desk jobs while wearing a uniform and beret. I kept the files for a military police unit and even worked for a general. Am I missing something? No one else on earth has my qualifications so why would a newspaper not want me? Something is horribly wrong.
Although I have been focusing my loathing on the US Navy SEALs in recent months, let us not forget the US Marine Corps. That bunch of no-good, low-down cowards still bugs me every night when I go to bed. Before the SEALs were getting all the attention it was the Marine Corp grabbing all the headlines. The Marines suck. When I was in Afghanistan helping the Red Cross distribute laundry detergent, there was a loud “bang” outside of the hotel in which I was staying. One of the other ex-Army guys (with me in-country to lecture the Pashtun tribesmen on the benefits of the periodic use of washing machines) and I walked the fourteen steps outside to see what had happened. It turned out it was only a car backfiring, but here is the good part. Five minutes after we got outside, the Marine reaction force acting as first responders to any in-city attack appeared. Get it? They arrived AFTER we had walked outside; it took them five minutes to get to the hotel while it only took us 30 seconds because we were already there! This proves they can’t do their job! I still laugh out loud each time I recall this story which shows just how useless the Marines are! We were there first even though it was their job to react to any perceived attack. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha. That is the funniest thing I have ever heard and clearly shows that they are no-good losers. We got there first; we, the ex-Army guys. Losers!
Things like this happen all the time to me. I met a kid who wanted to be a SEAL but I had already been in the Army and gone to Airborne and Ranger schools so I told this kid he was an idiot for wanting to be a SEAL. I have ALREADY done the Army training which means anyone who hasn’t is an ignorant, traitorous coward. This is just so funny to me that I have to laugh both at the fools who haven’t been to Airborne and Ranger schools and to those who think of doing anything else. Why would anyone want to be in any military service other then the Airborne and Rangers? Once I chose Airborne and Ranger training everything else must be worthless. It is nuts.
I literally have hundreds of examples of how how ignorant people simply refuse to acknowledge just how superior Airborne and Rangers are? I recall once helping out the local Boy Scout Troop at one of their camp sites. They were re-building a tower previously constructed out of poles and lashings and I offered to help. By “offered to help” I mean I told them they were stupid and were doing it all wrong. After receiving this cogent advice, they declined my offer to take charge and tell them what they were doing wrong. Can you believe that? They did not let me take over and lecture them on how ignorant they were. I graduated from West Point with a degree in something related to engineering as I recall. That means that 40 years ago I knew how to dig ditches, lay out campgrounds and cut down trees to make sleeping platforms. Get it? Engineering! But “no” they would not let me take over and tell them how to make a 45 degree angle with two wooden poles and how to lash the two poles together. It’s like the world has been turned upside down.
I went to Airborne and Ranger schools but they did not want me lecturing them on lashing two poles together. Their inexplicable decision completely ignored the hundreds of hours of classes I took in the Army about how to organize a group; how to tell them where to sit during the meeting, how to remind them to “silence” their cell phones during the meeting, how to record statements made during the meeting, how to follow up on good ideas raised during the meeting and how to schedule follow up meetings to discuss everything again pending a decision. These guys don’t even know where the machine gunner should be positioned while a squad is advancing through enemy territory.
This reminds me of the time when my mother cruelly made me bury our family dog after it had died. Even she treated me poorly and like everyone else took advantage of my incredible personal fortitude and emotional stability. She threw the dead dog into my lap and ordered “go bury this, none of your siblings has the personal fortitude or emotional stability to do it.” My asshole brother disputes this completely true story. He says the dog was put to sleep at the vet because our mother decided the dog was too old to make the planned family move to a new town; all the while I was 3000 miles away at West Point. Imagine that, my asshole brother claims some innocent sounding story just to dispute my tragic story of cruelty and personal perseverance. Since my asshole brother never went to West Point, never went to Airborne or Ranger schools and never learned small arms tactics, who are you going to believe?
Now that I am on the topic of my asshole brother, let me expound a bit. Did you know that he black-balled me from joining the Masons? Well he did. I originally joined Masonry when I was in Panama defending your freedom as a clerk in a military police unit. After I joined, I concluded the Masons were racist bastards and therefore wrote the presiding Grand Lodge a stinging letter wherein I castigated them; not so much because they were racists, but because if people thought of them as racists it could jeopardize my military career by being associated with a racist organization. I therefore quit in no uncertain terms which included the appropriate ad hominem attacks.
However, when I retired from the Army at the age of 23 with full pay and benefits after having served 27 weeks, I tried my hand at being a broker as referenced above. At this point I was looking for everyone to give me their money so I could invest it in the exact same manner that it was already invested. I wanted to get the local Masonic Lodge money, and so I asked to join; magnanimously putting aside my earlier concerns about the inherent racist nature of the Fraternity. My asshole brother, already being a member of the racist organization, soon learned I was previously a Mason and told me the Lodge would need to find my Masonic records before being able to let me “rejoin.” Upon learning that I had quit, calling the organization a bunch of racist bastards, the Lodge informed me that I could not join because I was not “in good standing” with my previous Masonic affiliation.
Think about that. I went to Airborne and Ranger school and a racist organization would not accept me because I called them a racist organization even though I wanted to take their money and profit off them. Again when did the world go nuts? How could they not let me take advantage of them while turning a blind eye to their horrible practices?
Speaking of racist Masons, my father has belonged to that organization for over 50 years, but I still pretend to like him just to make him feel good and to insure I do not miss out on my inheritance to which I am extremely entitled. I recall a few years back when my father was visiting me at my home. We were going for a nightly walk and I decided to make sure he was not cheating me out of my hard-earned inheritance. I told him he could not decide how to spend his money if that would result in me inheriting less than I thought appropriate. I lectured him using the training I learned in Airborne and Ranger schools and of course had to grab him and yell at him to get my point across. My point was that I was sure that my asshole brother had spent some or all of my inheritance and thus I would not get even more free money than I was already getting from my full retirement and benefits. My father, not being able to reason properly or understand my superior entitlements took exception to me yelling at him and tried to leave and return to his home. I made sure he could not leave my house until I was done yelling at him and I think that impressed him. Unfortunately, my sway over him ebbed and now I have to do all sorts of pretend kinda things to make sure he does not decrease my inheritance. It is clear that his money is actually MY money and he should not use it unless I agree. Did he serve as Airborne or Ranger? Ipso shaekels, ergo greedium.
For those of you who do not know, while I was in Panama, diligently filing parking tickets and processing handicap placards in the Military Police, my father decided to divide up all my deceased mother’s extremely valuable goods and give them away to my siblings and nothing to me!. There ensued a virtual food-fight melee where my sisters grappled over chairs, clothes and horse tack. I’m sure my brother was sneaking things away too and cheating not only them but me out of my share. My asshole family has contrived some lame story about how I was notified and that I replied there was nothing I wanted, but that is clearly wrong because I went to Airborne and Ranger schools. They SAY there was no acrimony or fighting but a simple, friendly division of mom’s meager things. Ha! I know she must have had lots of things previously hidden from me like diamonds, cash and gold coins since I never got anything like that.
Although my father claims her will left everything to him as community property, I am SURE there was another will or codicil that would have given me her vast, unknown assets to supplement my ongoing full retirement and benefits. It also would have made sure that my father could not buy one of his daughters a car unless he upped my share of inheritance. Fair is fair. Since I went to Airborne and Ranger schools and none of my siblings did, such a codicil must have existed. The logic is indisputable. It is inconceivable that my mother would not have given me everything. I’ll bet one of my sisters took the codicil when stealing the $17.95 West Point pendant I bought my mother; they always lusted after that valuable piece. My asshole brother surely must know there was another will or a codicil but continues to deny it.
Speaking of my asshole brother; I remember when he was dating his eventual wife, Lily who lived in my neighborhood and who was supposed to be worshiping me. The neighborhood was having a community picnic and I was there, as was Lily, and her parents. Oh yeah, my wife what’s her name might have been there too. Anyway, I was talking about my many accomplishments and trying to get Lily to worship and adore me. Unluckily for me, my damn wife had previously made me “set up” my brother and Lily on a date even though I had already decided to acquire Lily for myself. At the neighborhood party I noticed she was uninterested in me; apparently ignorant of the fact that I went to Airborne and Ranger schools even though I had mentioned this many, many times. Since she misunderstood my impressiveness and was not drawn to me, I decided on another tact, and so I told Lily, her parents and my wife (if she were there) that my asshole brother was not late to the picnic because he was working, but was late because he was with his ex-girlfriend. Of course I had no way of knowing where he actually was and thus it was a complete fabrication, but I hope you can all appreciate just how clever it was for me to say it. I intentionally hurt Lily’s feeling with a lie so she would not like my brother! This was one of many steps I was taking to make sure Lily would worship and adore me and eventually become one of my wives, or at least a mistress. As I recall I had already talked this over with my wife, what’s her name, and she was on board.
It is just this kind of action on my part that shows the deep values of honesty, truthfulness, integrity and honor I subscribe to and tout as the foundation of my character. That is what separates me from all of you who never went to Airborne or Ranger schools. I am the most honorable person on earth as evidenced by my shrewd plan to secure a mistress (or second wife) by telling falsehoods about my brother. Because he never went to Airborne or Ranger schools, it is perfectly honorable and in fact truthful to make up things so that no one will like him more than they like me; a person who went to Airborne and Ranger schools. In furtherance of this honorable and truthful practice of mine I made sure I told Lily’s parents she was a suicide risk due to her divorce. Of course the percentage of women who commit suicide because of divorce is about zero, but by saying it I was able to manipulate them into telling her she needed counseling. Cleverly, I also nonchalantly told them I was trained to counsel women and thus insured they would encourage Lily to ask me for help. I know as much about women as a snail knows about quantum physics, but that is not the point. The point is I was able to trick an emotionally distraught woman and her parents into getting that woman to come to my house!!! Think about that! I had never even had a date until I got married and yet I was able to trick a woman into coming to me! If that is not the definition of honor and honesty I don’t know what is. I’m the Kanye West of inter-personal relationships!
That’s not the sum total of my cleverness! I also told them my brother wasn’t really a lawyer but had flunked out of law school, that he placed a hidden camera in a computer monitor to spy on Lily, that he beat up his long-time girlfriend and put her in the hospital, and that he had a threesome with another girlfriend and her mother. Do you think any of you could come up with such clever fabrications in furtherance of the honorable goal of seducing a woman other than your wife? Ha! We all know that you could not and if you did you would end up looking like a sociopathic pervert if you tried. Because I went to Airborne and Ranger schools I was able to do this and still come out looking superior, moral and honorable.
Anyway through no fault of my own, everything fell apart with my plans for adultery. Inexplicably, the many people to whom I told these weird lies about my brother then told him what I was saying. No one could have anticipated such an incomprehensible turn of events, even me who went to Airborne and Ranger schools. On the advice of counsel I had to stop trying to practice psychology without a license so as not to jeopardize my full retirement and benefits. Think of that; I went to Airborne and Ranger schools and yet was told I should not trick women into coming to my house for counseling and then trying to hypnotize them all the while secretly recording them. The world is all screwed up!
Well, that is all for now. It is time for me to go on a walk around the neighborhood so I can see if there are any windows that I can peek into. I must now go put on the shorts my brother gave me 25 years ago; I assume because he was jealous that I went to Airborne and Ranger schools. It is very satisfying that I wear these shorts for 25 years rather than buy some new ones on my own. If there were more PX’s I might be able to afford newer shorts. Hoarding every penny I can is another indication of how generous and noble I am. Now where are those $4.95 sneakers I bought at the Seoul PX in 1983?
